My husband said those exact words to me yesterday, and since then, I can't stop replaying them in my head. It seems so obvious - now - but I really didn't see it while it was coming on.
I don't feel like reading.
I don't feel like writing.
I don't feel like watching TV.
I don't feel like listening to music.
I don't want company.
I don't want to be alone.
I don't want to to work out.
I don't want to go out.
I don't want to hang out.
But I haven't a clue what I want to do.
Depression is sneaky.
Depression is not always a dark, sullen mood filled with horrible thoughts and endless tears. Sometimes, it's just the steady drone of nothingness. And in some ways, that's worse than the dramatic depression.
When I've been that low, I've been smart enough to reach out for help.
"Hey, I'm bottoming out and I'm afraid of being alone."
But this? What the heck would I say to people?
"Hey, I'm feeling absolutely nothing and want to do absolutely
nothing, so let's not get together for a beer, okay?"
Depression is in for the long game.
I have been depressed for weeks now, if not for months. I've struggled to find excitement in any of the things I usually do. But I don't want to do anything but sleep. I've gone from being busy each day with workouts and friends to coming home from work, napping for an hour or more, having dinner, and then killing time until I can go to bed.
Looking back, I can see that this has been going on for a long time. I have covered it up with bursts of "the old me," but it's just an in-the-moment fix. Afterwards, I'm right back to being this non-person.
I'm not sad, necessarily. I mean, I feel sad when I sit and think about where I am right now. But overall, no, I'm not feeling sad or gloomy. But I'm not feeling much of anything, to be honest. I'm not excited or happy about much right now, either.
I did talk to my therapist earlier this week, but I think I really glossed over how I'm really feeling. I said all the right things, but until my husband called out my depression, I didn't really believe things had become this bad.
There is no quick fix.
Fighting depression isn't as easy as just snapping out of it, anymore than mending a broken leg is as easy as just walking on it. It's not really possible to jump from depressed to just fine. But there are steps I can take to start moving in the right direction.
First, I can move my body. I have a group run scheduled for tomorrow morning (that, of course, I have spent the day trying to find a reason to not attend). But I will go and I will run some miles with my local Fat To Finish tribe members. That will be a good start.
Second, I will continue to write daily, positive affirmations here at the Daily Dose of Good. It may or may not help anyone else, but starting each day off with a positive statement helps me.
Third, I will talk with my Psychologist and let him know how I'm really feeling. I don't know if he will want to make any adjustment to my medications, but that's always a possibility. I just know I need to be honest with him if I am going to address this depression head-on.
Fourth, I will find a reason to engage with other people each day. It might be as simple as a text message exchange or as involved as meeting for dinner, but I will stop isolating myself away from everyone.
This isn't a feel-good blog entry, I know. But I promised myself when I began writing the "Life, Medicated" series that I was always going to be honest. Well, here's some honesty. Thank you for reading along and I hope that it offers some insight into what others - or you, personally - might be going through.